So it's the nearly the 13th of June.
Its weird to have a birthday in the middle of the year. It acts as a sharp reminder that the year is half over. It's not something that would usually bug me much. In Past years I had things going on, whether it be school or a job, my birthday was always a nice day to take off school or work and revel in new game announcements (because E3 happens) and just celebrate me with the stuff i care and get excited for. This year though I have been dreading it, trying not to think about it and trying to get excited for E3.
It's not been working. Wounds from last year are still open and i can’t seem to close them, with those still open and slowly leaking the positives from my life i’m legit scared for what the rest of the year will be like. I this E3 im not working on a game, this E3 i don’t have a close friend to wake up with at stupid O’Clock in the morning to get exited with. I'm just alone in a room, with an internet connection and snacks trying to feign excitement for new games.
I can’t say i have anything good going on, there nothing in the pipe that i can be all excited for. I am talking to someone about it and it’s been good so far. I have been working through what happend at aurora, How both the work environment and my own insecurities lead me to being let go. I can accept that i have issues that caused my termination, but those issues where exacerbated by the work environment and the unrealistic expectations i was asked to meet as a junior in my first proper game design roll.
I was not the only one to feel this, other did too and they managed to get out. They found new jobs and are much happier. I'm so glad that they did because they are both amazingly talented people and losing that talent from out industry would of been tragic, however i can't help but look at their continued success without a tinge of jealousy. They got out, damaged but strong enough to find better. 8 months of working hard, trying to meet the unreasonable expectations put upon me exhausting my mental health issues, and I just feel like i got tossed in the garbage. I have nothing to show for it but this black mark on my portfolio. A giant sign that makes me feel like a failure and makes me scared.
Scared that i'll never find work again. I got incredibly lucky last year, junior design jobs are literally non existent in nz. Im scared that i wont get credited on the project as a designer, I know a bunch of the stuff i worked on won't be in the game so i can't show that which makes it more scary. All this shit isn’t helped by feeling like i can’t take part in the NZ Industry though events like kiwi game starter, NZGDC and the NZGDA. All because its run by the person that let me go, helped mark me as a failure. I shouldn't let that define me, but as the year goes on its harder to remember that.
So happy birthday me, i get to sit at home by myself and try to enjoy the day, even though it’s looking like i'll probably just cry a lot.