qube

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Whats up, patty?

So I'm writing this mainly for me to try and make some sense of what is going on what’s going on in my head, but also to share with my friends. I will be the first to admit that I'm not an amazing writer so that’s probably why it might not make too much sense and sound a little ranty.

An interesting thing I have noticed the longer I am unemployed is my desire to make things grows but the follow through on this desire is very inconsistent. In the past few weeks I have started a total of 4 prototypes then proceeded to stop working on all of them, out of frustration and a lack of self-confidence that I am capable of making anything.

I have to remind myself that I am capable of making, that I do have smart ideas about design, and that I am not some useless waste of space feeding off my mother's kindness. It's really not a fun daily routine.

A lot of this is caused by my unavoidable isolation from others on a daily basis. Some of this is caused by jealousy of others, who have what I don't. A potent combination, that when left alone in my head for long periods of time it slowly gnaws away at any of the small amounts of motivation I may have at the time.

It's not the first time I have had breakdowns like this, in my last years of study I faced a lot of bullshit from classes and assignments. Being forced to work with people who didn't care enough or were unreasonable and lazy. Causing me to increase the pressure on myself to even try to make something good. The fact I have anything to show for my last year of study is a miracle, thanks to Danny the person who worked with all my bullshit stress and programmed most of the games we made, while I panicked about the deadlines and tried to design while doing so.

But now it's frustrating to see these my friends achieve, while I don't. It's even more frustrating to see people who caused me this stress and anxiety to achieve. But lastly, it's frustrating to see these people who I view as successful complaining about their success. While I sit in my room trying hard to even make something.

I know that this probably sounds petty and that everyone faces different problems, but it's fucking hard try to be that person that can separate their problems from others and be empathetic to theirs. I never want to put my issues onto others. However, that's basically how I ended up in this place. Resenting my friend for their success and placing what's bothering me at the back of my mind so that I can attempt to empathise with others.

I don't want to be like this, though I can't help it. I don't think by getting the things I want like a job will fix everything. But I think at the moment I need some moments where I can say to myself that I'm successful, I'm achieving something. Not just sitting around wasting time.

Patty Shannon